Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
This is enough internet for the day.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣