Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
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LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’