You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
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Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.