Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
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I needed a laugh this morning.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
B
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream