The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
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*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all