me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
You Might Also Like
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together