“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET