My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
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*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
how much for the angry fruit?
#polloftheday
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.