My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
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I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”