The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
181.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Customer is always right
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”