There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
road rage
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.