[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
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Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets