*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
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Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
and this one
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?