Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.