If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good