The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Watermelon Boss!
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
#Caturday
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes