@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
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.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”