Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
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*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“What?”
– Jude
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.