People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
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*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink