Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
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The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.