Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
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What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.