PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
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Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…