this chia pet tastes awful
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A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.