Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
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You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
No, he would not have.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!