If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
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PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Worlds greatest photobomb
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
reviewed some movies recently
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.