According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Always leave them wanting their money back.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not