[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
You Might Also Like
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management