Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
You Might Also Like
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Monday?
No. Next question.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.