I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
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I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉