I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
You Might Also Like
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?