Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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pizza
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Friends that check up on you >
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.