Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
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[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”