Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.