Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
looks legit
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?