*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub