*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
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No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
finally
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.