Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I know
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Everyone’s family
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario