Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
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[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.