We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
yeet
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it