[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
o shit
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD