Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Passed by a old school Math example today.