One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
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I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
When ur friends with white people
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.