He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
You Might Also Like
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
me hitting on a model
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*