Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’