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What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.