According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
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What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Catering service
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired