[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
You Might Also Like
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Meanwhile in Portland…
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*