My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
At least he brought enough for everyone
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
my dog when i have a friend over
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
That’s what I call a flat tire
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?