My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
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I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Friday
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Beware of the “party goblin”…
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Sunday
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors