I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
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love pickles so much i put myself in one
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.